An Update

In my last post, I confessed that I'd doubted (or rather been unsatisfied) with the standard doctrine that Jesus and God are the same. Well meaning people gave me metaphors and allegories (metaphors and allegories that I'm very familiar with, and have been very familiar with for the past 13 years of my participation in Christendom) about how an apple has three parts, water sublimates, the fact that my dad is not just a dad but a son and a brother as well. One person even gave me a Max Lucado book. Unfortunately, when a hard theological quandary you have, Max Lucado (king feel-good-with-treacly-Christian-gay-crap writer man) doesn't quite have the theological mandibles to cut through it. I read on the back of one of the books that, "even if it was just to save you, God still would have sent Jesus." What causes him to draw such a ridiculous conclusion? No he wouldn't. As much as our modern world hates it, God and Jesus are both about results. They don't think small. They might work small sometimes to achieve a larger end, but they don't perform a small task for the sake of that small task. That includes saving our "eternal" souls. If God's so interested in saving "just that one person," why did he command genocide in the Old Testament?

I digress. I think part of my gripe with that Trinity concept extends beyond Christ himself. I think there are a few different parts of it. I will see if I can identify them.

1. It sounds an awful lot like paganism. I mean, Hindus have a story about God incarnate descending to Earth to restore it from chaos. Their story sucks, a lot, in comparison to ours even if it is the same story, but the stories are quite similar nonetheless, and predates our own Christ story by at least a thousand years, probably more. Also, the Celts believe in a triune goddess, and believed in it prior to the bronze age, and prior to St. Patty, the Italian saint that stood up to the king. I wonder if any Christians in America would have the stones to stand up to a king. Jews and Christians are supposed to believe in one God, and one God only.
   
2. I sort of think it's the product of modern Christianity's desire to "have it all figured out." Not that that desire is entirely bad, but they encapsulate things far too much. Even if I arrive at the exact same conclusion, that God=Jesus and Jesus=God, modern Christianity seems to forget the part that "working out your salvation with fear and trembling" is something that must be done in your own time, and perhaps the largest part of that is realizing, on your own, what and why Truth is. I've been growing restless with just accepting "truth" or Truth at face value. Believing that Christ IS God is easier than believing that Christ is the functional Messiah, the man chosen by God to share equality with God.
   
3. I've never found it to be a hard concept to grasp. This is a really dumb reason, and I admit that here. I've never understood people who say things like "I don't understand the trinity." Why? It's simple. It's so incredibly simple that I don't think I could even begin to describe why or how it's so simple. I don't mean to be condescending with that, but those are my thoughts. If our God is a complex and mysterious God, then why would this be Truth? Like I said, that's incredibly weak reasoning.
4. My view of the soul, well, it might be changing. This part's also up in the air a little bit. I'm not sure if we have eternal souls, or if the Spirit of God makes it eternal. I'm also not certain if we are to live in hell for eternity. Basically, the thought runs like this: Jesus is a man as I am. The spirit of God fills him, he becomes as though God, and with the Spirit of God, He faces death and comes through the other side now allowing all of us to experience the same Spirit of God, face death and come through the other side, but most importantly, become the new tabernacle for the indwelling of the most holy God YHVH all to the glory of God. If we assume this, there are only two parts (initially?) to people, not three, and likewise, only two parts to the "Godhead." There would be God (as there would be our body), and God's spirit (as would be our spirit), but the traditional Jewish view of the body and soul is not that they are separate, but that they are one. It's Greek mythology that teaches us otherwise. See, this theory of unification is more mysterious to me than our theory of separation, but somehow, the spirit is not just tied to the body, but in some way, it is the body. I don't get it. Anyways, God's Spirit comes to indwell us, making the part of us that's dead come alive.
   
   This all relates to hell in ways that I'm not sure I can articulate, or should perhaps articulate in another post.

I feel certain there was a fifth reason, but it eludes me right now, which is incredibly lame. What conclusions have I reached though? That's the important part, right? Well, let me first be honest and say that I suck at fasting. Really bad. I did it the first two days, no problem. Then I went to lunch with a friend. On the way to lunch, I was praying about eating lunch and breaking my fast. I "heard" in that internal dialog kind of way that, "you're the one with the doubts, I'm confident in who I AM." So, I ate guilt free. The next day, I was exhausted from getting to bed late, and ended up caving and eating to help make me feel energized, which is retarded, because eating very rarely gives me any kind of energy boost. Well, on the way back to work from lunch, a voice said, "alright, yesterday God said to you to eat, because He, more or less, didn't care. You're the one that feels like you have to, so, what? Are you just ignoring it now?" I think I recognize that as an "attack" if you will, because God didn't tell me to eat. Also, this made me feel kind of crappy for a couple of days, and to some extent, I feel lame for making a deal, so to speak, with God, and then not honoring it. But, God does have a point. I'm the one with the problem, not Him.

Second, though the little I've read my Bible is very, um, little, this whole escapade has brought new life to scripture for me. Things seem to be actually interesting, and no longer in simple radio instruction format. That's perhaps the most exciting part and the part that would make all of this worth it if it were an otherwise total failure.

So, to recap, I wanted to fast and read scripture. I've done very little of either, and feel bad about not reading the scripture more than the fasting. But what's my (current) conclusion?

My current conclusion is that I don't know if it actually matters. People said Jesus was all sorts of things. They called him prophet, messiah, teacher, rabbi. No one called him God, Jesus didn't even call himself God, He made ominous hints and suggestions, but never came outright with it, but this caused the Sanhedrin to jump to conclusions. As I was saying, I don't know if it actually matters. He was constantly telling people, "your faith has saved you" even though they never referred to Him as God. So, if Jesus didn't mind, why do we?

I'm not using this as an easy out, but I'm entirely OK with not only not knowing, but not ever knowing. I suppose this is the tension. People were designed to live in a tension, and if you run from the tension, you stop growing and you become stale, and I think that this mystery, for it is a mystery, is a mystery that we're not supposed to understand, and to say we've solved the mystery is as foolish as saying there is no mystery. As long as I live, I will continue to seek out the Mystery, but I don't know that I'll ever actually know it. Right now, I'm almost inclined to say that the mystery is that God would allow people such intimate fellowship with Him.

Lent

So, the lent season is upon us. let me preface this whole bit by saying that I've never before practiced lent, nor have I ever been compelled to. Peculiarly, and perhaps just as a symptom as the continuing change my world is being subjected to, I'm going to practice it this year, though it is almost half over. I've jumped on the bandwagon late, not for lack of motivation (well, sort of) or for being lazy. When we discussed at church what the meaning of lent was, I was certain that it was something I wanted to take part in, but I didn't want to just jump in and fast from stuff just because. That's the reason why I've always thought it was stupid in the first place. "I'm catholic, so I'm going to fast from chocolate. Y'know, just cuz." Even if they had reasons, I was unable to view them as anything more than that.

So, it turns out that lent is supposed to be the time that the new converts, those new to the New Covenant, would evaluate their beliefs and whether or not they were willing to take up the Christian path and all that implies. At the end of this period, if the cause of Christ is something they're willing to shoulder, they are baptized. They fasted for forty days (Sundays off as a time of celebration I do believe. Or rather, sabbath off more than likely) until easter. Easter was the time of their decision.

Why then do I feel compelled to partake in lent this year? I've been varying forms of Christian for over ten years. I was never baptized as Quakers reject traditionalism (and in so doing create their own brand of traditionalism), so I didn't seek it at all. Perhaps I'm participating as an extension of the fact that I've rejected contemporary church and church culture. I've even begun rejecting various theologies that I once held to with tenacious conviction. Concurrently, I've also become interested in not only the way the church used to function, but the way that Americans used to be, and I'm striving for those things. It's peculiar as my very much contemporized and Greek mind struggles with understanding certain things that I used to never question, as they were explained with that same Greek mind that I possess (not that I'm trying to do away with it, just understand the Bible as it was written), but unfortunately no one approaches anything, especially the Bible, with a clean slate. We all carry someone else's translation, teaching and understanding that we've adopted as our own.

If an extension of my own spiritual revolution is part of the reason for lent, it's not the whole reason. Two months ago I posted on whether or not I accept the divinity of Christ. It was far more than two months ago that that thought was presented to me, and more than two months ago that I've dedicated time thinking on this topic. It's been closer to six months; a half year. Recently, however, the question isn't allowing me to ignore it any longer. I read passages of scripture, and they come with a dual understanding. I hear someone speak, and I hear not only what they said, but perhaps the complete opposite, or sometimes just the things they didn't say.

This is not a topic I address or bring up lightly. Nay, quite the opposite. Just thinking this thought causes me immense nervousness; my heart pounds, I get hot, I start to sweat. This is no small personal undertaking. But here's the rub: people hear you say that you doubt the divinity of Christ, and they assume you're flipping out and becoming an apostate. Far from it! Whatever the conclusion I come to, I still would choose Yeshua, the only begotten Son of God as my Lord, Sovereign, my King and brother, my Savior, my MESSIAH. YESHUA MESSIAH. I choose Christianity: I love God, I love others, I love the Christ. It merely seems to be simple polytheism. Perhaps the result of catholicism: when the pagan and the holy merged, or the results of farther trekking. The Celtic celebrate, and have celebrated, a triune goddess for centuries. Perhaps as early, or maybe earlier, than Christ himself, all without the influence of Christianity. I merely seek to make sure my faith is pure and reconciled with my Jewish forefathers.

The difficult part is that sometimes a verse or passage makes far more sense of Jesus is a man as I, only so filled with the very Spirit of God that he is as though God. Other times, it seems as if He could only be God. It's confusing, and some would tell me this is the mystery. In no uncertain terms, I refuse to accept this as the answer unless it's the only one left to me.

So, how do I plan to go about this? Dayfast. I will fast until sundown, and everytime I'm reminded of my hunger, I will remind myself of why I do this and pray for wisdom. Pray for Truth and understanding. In addition, I will dedicate myself to not only my Jewish history and understanding (Torah), but the words of Jesus himself, and what others have said about him. I do truly ask for your prayers and help where it may become evident that it's necessary. I honestly don't know if I'll even have an answer by Easter, but it is my lent objective. Perhaps at the end, I will be baptized as a sign to myself and others that though I know not, I have not forsaken or been forsaken.

At the very least, God in his infinite mercy, has sided me with a group that though they may disagree or perhaps even be fearful for me, they won't dump me as I'm certain most other groups would do.