Lent

So, the lent season is upon us. let me preface this whole bit by saying that I've never before practiced lent, nor have I ever been compelled to. Peculiarly, and perhaps just as a symptom as the continuing change my world is being subjected to, I'm going to practice it this year, though it is almost half over. I've jumped on the bandwagon late, not for lack of motivation (well, sort of) or for being lazy. When we discussed at church what the meaning of lent was, I was certain that it was something I wanted to take part in, but I didn't want to just jump in and fast from stuff just because. That's the reason why I've always thought it was stupid in the first place. "I'm catholic, so I'm going to fast from chocolate. Y'know, just cuz." Even if they had reasons, I was unable to view them as anything more than that.

So, it turns out that lent is supposed to be the time that the new converts, those new to the New Covenant, would evaluate their beliefs and whether or not they were willing to take up the Christian path and all that implies. At the end of this period, if the cause of Christ is something they're willing to shoulder, they are baptized. They fasted for forty days (Sundays off as a time of celebration I do believe. Or rather, sabbath off more than likely) until easter. Easter was the time of their decision.

Why then do I feel compelled to partake in lent this year? I've been varying forms of Christian for over ten years. I was never baptized as Quakers reject traditionalism (and in so doing create their own brand of traditionalism), so I didn't seek it at all. Perhaps I'm participating as an extension of the fact that I've rejected contemporary church and church culture. I've even begun rejecting various theologies that I once held to with tenacious conviction. Concurrently, I've also become interested in not only the way the church used to function, but the way that Americans used to be, and I'm striving for those things. It's peculiar as my very much contemporized and Greek mind struggles with understanding certain things that I used to never question, as they were explained with that same Greek mind that I possess (not that I'm trying to do away with it, just understand the Bible as it was written), but unfortunately no one approaches anything, especially the Bible, with a clean slate. We all carry someone else's translation, teaching and understanding that we've adopted as our own.

If an extension of my own spiritual revolution is part of the reason for lent, it's not the whole reason. Two months ago I posted on whether or not I accept the divinity of Christ. It was far more than two months ago that that thought was presented to me, and more than two months ago that I've dedicated time thinking on this topic. It's been closer to six months; a half year. Recently, however, the question isn't allowing me to ignore it any longer. I read passages of scripture, and they come with a dual understanding. I hear someone speak, and I hear not only what they said, but perhaps the complete opposite, or sometimes just the things they didn't say.

This is not a topic I address or bring up lightly. Nay, quite the opposite. Just thinking this thought causes me immense nervousness; my heart pounds, I get hot, I start to sweat. This is no small personal undertaking. But here's the rub: people hear you say that you doubt the divinity of Christ, and they assume you're flipping out and becoming an apostate. Far from it! Whatever the conclusion I come to, I still would choose Yeshua, the only begotten Son of God as my Lord, Sovereign, my King and brother, my Savior, my MESSIAH. YESHUA MESSIAH. I choose Christianity: I love God, I love others, I love the Christ. It merely seems to be simple polytheism. Perhaps the result of catholicism: when the pagan and the holy merged, or the results of farther trekking. The Celtic celebrate, and have celebrated, a triune goddess for centuries. Perhaps as early, or maybe earlier, than Christ himself, all without the influence of Christianity. I merely seek to make sure my faith is pure and reconciled with my Jewish forefathers.

The difficult part is that sometimes a verse or passage makes far more sense of Jesus is a man as I, only so filled with the very Spirit of God that he is as though God. Other times, it seems as if He could only be God. It's confusing, and some would tell me this is the mystery. In no uncertain terms, I refuse to accept this as the answer unless it's the only one left to me.

So, how do I plan to go about this? Dayfast. I will fast until sundown, and everytime I'm reminded of my hunger, I will remind myself of why I do this and pray for wisdom. Pray for Truth and understanding. In addition, I will dedicate myself to not only my Jewish history and understanding (Torah), but the words of Jesus himself, and what others have said about him. I do truly ask for your prayers and help where it may become evident that it's necessary. I honestly don't know if I'll even have an answer by Easter, but it is my lent objective. Perhaps at the end, I will be baptized as a sign to myself and others that though I know not, I have not forsaken or been forsaken.

At the very least, God in his infinite mercy, has sided me with a group that though they may disagree or perhaps even be fearful for me, they won't dump me as I'm certain most other groups would do.